Holly’s Neighborhood: “That Damm Farting Dog!”
Posted By Nancy Houser on August 4, 2009
Miss Holly Higgins alias the Lazy Bum Dog
Phrase of the day: “I only fart in your general direction!”
The proper term for passing gas is to “flatulate” or to “play some anal acoustics.”
Now, me…I simply call it farting. It’s more “user friendly” and part of a universal language. But we dogs tend to simplify things for a better understanding for the human race.
Oh…haven’t you heard? The latest dog research shows that the average canine shows extreme intelligence and rationality on their own WITHOUT human interference. Now THAT is something I have always known. Just think, I could have saved the scientific community billions of dollars in time and labor. Oh well…I rest my case.
The subject of farting would never have come up if it hadn’t of been for that old lady who I sleep with at night. But before I go any further, let me make myself clear….dogs who sleep with their butts upside down on pillows are NOT responsible for what they do in their sleep.
With this in mind, I woke up this morning with my butt and furry little hind fee on her pillow. The rest of me was buried beneath a ton of blankets. It is summer and over 70 degrees…what in God’s name was I thinking of ? Anyway….
Truth be known, the position I awoke in was not the problem. It was her coughing and choking while rubbing the eyes (what a drama queen she is) and sputtering, “Holly, all you did was fart all night long! I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night and now my eyes burn because of your butt in my face when I awoke this morning!”
Slinking off the bed as quick as I could with my little butt cheeks clenched tight, I knew I had to do some fast repair work to get back into her good graces.
HIRING ON AS A DIGITAL REPAIR DOG
I knew my moment had arrived when the old lady could not get her afternoon soap operas on television. This is an old woman who is a dedicated “Soap Box Queen” from 1 to 3 pm Monday to Friday. It goes so far as not answering the phone at that time or answering the door when someone pulls up. And to have the new digital boxes not working with her broken-down old rabbit ears was nothing short of mayham in our home.
She went as far as hanging them outside the kitchen window with two brightly colored green bungie cords from two rusty old nails. Whenever the satellites would act up millions of miles above us, she would go outside to readjust the rabbit ears which had both ends broken off in a moment of stress. During a rain storm she would wrap the entire package in Press-n-Seal Saran Wrap.
This particular day I had decided to help her when satellite trouble seemed to be brewing at 1 pm. Right on her tail I joyfully trotted–realizing that soon I would once again be her sweetheard– as we went went outside the house toward the side kitchen window. Standing on her slippers, I had my front feet touching the bottom of the window and barking directions to her. I mean….wasn’t I an intelligent canine?
When the green bungies dropped in front of me, I did whatever any dedicated and caring dachshund would do. I grabbed them and ran like hell.
HOLD IT…THE PICTURE IS ON!!
Right behind me I heard some unintelligent garbled language. As I turned my head with the green nylon bungies flopping out of my mouth, I saw the red-faced old lady throw the rabbit ears into the kitchen through the window. Uh oh….my position had not improved for the better it seemed…and time was running short.
Now…that picture wouldn’t have been funny in itself. What was funny was that the other old lady, Sandy, who had been quietly sitting in the kitchen smoking her cigarettes looked up and said to us, “Hold it!! The picture is perfect!”
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Enjoy more fun stories and cartoons at Lazy Bum Dog—”That Lazy Bum Dog!”
Related posts:
- Holly’s Neighborhood: “Asleep at the food dish…”
- Holly’s Neighborhood: HAPPY EASTER, Everyone!
- Holly’s Neighborhood: “The Love of Nature”
- Holly’s Neighborhood: “Across the bean field she goes…..!”
- Holly’s Neighborhood: “Planet of the Dogs”
ever notice how when dogs do it it’s funny and cute but when people do it, it definitely is not!