Posted on August 21, 2009 by: WayCoolDogs

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Every day for a dog is divided into two very important sections: (1) mealtime, and (2) not mealtime (in other words…everything else). Mealtime is very important to a dog for very important reasons  which are tied to one thing. A dog figures just because there does not seem to be anything visible to eat does not actually mean there is nothing to eat.

MEALTIME ROUTINE FOR A DOG

• The act of staring at the underside of a table or even a chair upon which someone is sitting their fanny on sets in motion a chain of events that will actually result in food.

• First of all, checking the lower third of any furniture space for edibles can usually be identified as something called gum.  Technically not a food, these bite-size pieces do keep one busy chewing for quite a while — long enough to allow one to forget one is hungry. But on a temporary basis only.
• When a food bowl is finally placed in front of you, bury your head entirely into it as if you were taking a shower in food. This can be rather messy if the food is canned or soft, but bear with it.

• Never, never look up until fifteen minutes have gone by after the bowl has been empty. Remember,  just because your dog food bowl is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating. This is a very important rule and will win you points and more food in the long run.

• All food in the home is potentially yours, until it is officially swallowed by another—man or beast.  The very lengthy path upon which a piece of food “is taken from plate to mouth via the hand” is as good a time as any to stake your claim on it.

• When seeking a beverage in the home, its exact location and packaging means absolutely nothing until it is swallowed by a dog. There are NO EXCEPTIONS to this rule!

• Grovel shamelessly only as a last resort. If you see something you really want, and all other attempts have failed completely at getting it, then it is a weapon to be used. But as a second tactic before using it, stare intently at the object of your desire while allowing extremely long gelatinous drools to leak from your upper lip. This usually will do the trick before being forced to grovel.

NON-MEALTIME ROUTINE FOR A DOG

• Two facial expressions should be practiced when nobody else is around: (1) complete and overwhelming joy, and (2) a blank look with no expression at all. These two expressions are the lifeline of all dogs when communicating with owners.

• Any time that is not involved with mealtime is considered nap time. These are the only two times of the day that are important to any dog.

• The best time of the day for a dog to take a nap is when their name is called repeatedly.

• The best location for a nap is in the middle of the driveway or in a doorway.  You will receive lots of attention by choosing these locations. The only thing better is in the middle of a bed on clothing laid out.

• The most relaxing position for a dog is on your side, a four limbs completely parallel as if you are dead.
• When shaking your wet and muddy body dry, ALWAYS shake violently near a fully-clothed person. The only thing better is to shake near a light-colored piece of furniture.

PERSONAL SAFETY FOR A DOG

• Personal safety is a win-win situation and a talent to be developed.

• At the first hint of any irregular or strange noise within the home, run from room to room barking as loud as you can. This works best at night when everyone is asleep and has a faster reaction than at any other time.

• If someone comes into the  home, charge them as fast as you can whether you know them or not. Kiss and slobber them violently after you have jumped up on them, especially if you notice they are dressed in good clothing.

• If they lose their balance and begin to topple over, they may force you away physically so be prepared!

• Squirrels are enemy number 1, so make sure at all times there are none in the yard. Remove them at all costs as they are the greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we know it.

RECREATION AND LEISURE RULES FOR DOGS

• Dogs have two sets of rules for “Fetch” that may seem to be amusing: (1) the Common Form, upon which a dog receives a thrown ball and then returns it, and (2) the Preferred Form upon which the dog receives a thrown ball and promptly begins to eat it. Both are considered fair game.
• Dogs need to understand that any open car door is an open invitation to get inside. Once inside, remember your only goal is to try and get out. In-out.  Got it?
• In the event of a trip to the veterinarian, always be on guard.  If you are vaccinated or someone brings up the words “neutering”….urinate on the veterinarian immediately!

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